Alan Bennett (Mock Turtle) who prefers pretending to be a Turtle rather than being one.

Anne Robinson (Queen of Hearts): "You are the weakest link. Off with your head!)

Dame Edna is the 'native Australian' who advises Alice when she worries about falling right through the Earth to the other side.

David Attenborough explores the possibility that the 'sea of salty tears' is a Darwinian reference to the primeval pool of life from which all livings creatures have emerged.

Germaine Greer ties herself in knots trying to explain 'Alice' as a 'proto-typical post-feminist deviant'.

Kenneth Williams - the Dodo bird.

Michael Caine is the Knave of Hearts who 'stole the bloody tarts'.

Ozzy Osbourne - the mad man 'digging for apples'.

Woody Allen - the mad March Hare.

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